Vic - Emotional Journey
by TheGodmother2
Summary: The mirror of Walt's emotional journey
1. Chapter 1

**_Vic – Emotional Journey through Season 3_**

**_I am thinking of pairing each story with a mirror image through the season. We will see how it goes. _**

My alarm clock buzzes me awake. Ah, 0700 already, sigh. As I stumble toward the shower I smile to myself and I know it's a wicked devilishly grin because I'm going to lay my eyes on him in just about an hour. I shower and wash my hair making sure to remember the conditioner because I want to be pretty for him. I shouldn't have these feelings and it makes me nervous that I do.

In Philly, I had my choice of guys. I could fuck 'em and leave 'em if that's what I wanted but I never cheated on Sean. When I made my choice, I made it and I have been serious about my vows but now I find myself in a strange town with even stranger people and I have grown accustomed to the vibe.

I close my eyes as my skin soaks up the warm water and the bath bubbles bounce down my skin. I imagine his smell in the morning. A combination of clean soap, coffee, cotton and leather. I think of how he looks at me when he thinks I don't notice. I never want to catch his gauze because I am afraid he will stop. I love his eyes upon me.

I hit the office door with fervor.

"Good morning, peeps"

"Mornin' Walt"

"Mornin"

"Any news?"

"No."

I want to tell him it will be all right that I will be here beside him every step of the way but I don't dare. We head out to breakfast, part of our new routine, and I gently suggest he get a first class shave and haircut so he can relax. All of this worry is wearing on him and it is beginning to show. I say the wrong thing reminding him of Martha and I fear I put him back in that helpless place.

Damn, Vic shut your face. I always say the wrong thing. He tells me it's ok and walks away from me. I want to grab him and spin him around and proclaim to the world that I would never hurt him. No, not him. Not the man I so unexpectedly fell in love with.


	2. Vic -In the Pines

**_Vic's perspective after In the Pines - has some spoilers. Thank you for the reviews :) I ship Longvic, forever._**

_Sean came to see me._

Walt's words stay with me throughout the day and I worry that I have lost both Walt's and Sean's respect and favor. I have worked very hard to avoid being in this position. I am a woman without a country and I have to be strong enough to be by myself. Sean may leave, Walt may turn a deaf ear and Gorski is trying to kill me. What a choice to make, girl!

If I don't play it right, I will be alone, and honestly alone may be the best option for me right now.

I know Walt is not pleased with me and is just short of being dismissive. What I don't know is, why? At the hospital, he all but ordered me to go home to my husband, if only for a couple of hours. For what, Walt, a quickie? Is that your recommendation to fix my marriage? Is that what you did when you and Martha were on the outs? Were you ever on the outs with her? I want to ask him all of these crazy questions but I just walk away knowing full well I'm not going home. I don't want to face my husband because my feelings are not resolved. I don't really know what I feel for Walt because I don't understand what is going on with me.

When he climbed down the mountain, I gotta admit, that shit was hot. How does he figure out how to make a carabineer out of handcuffs? Who does that, shit? MacGyver with a cowboy attitude how can I not want him. I laugh to myself when I think about how comfortable I am with him, "Aren't you worried about rope burns?" as he pulls the rope around his family jewels. Duh, Vic, you are such a looser sometimes. That little pause before he answered me stopped my heart. He caught me checking out his package. I do it a lot when he's not looking. Shame on me but after I check it out I shake my head wondering why I find him attractive because I don't get it. Not for me. Never for me but it's the little things he does that make me want to be his. When he smacks his teeth as he is thinking, and pats his head when he worries what he looks like, the hold on his hips when he speaks or takes a firm stance and the way his eyes never leave me when he speaks. His hold on my face when he listens to me or that sly almost grin when he finds humor in my crazytrain of thoughts. The way he thinks before he speaks.

When I walked in his office I knew I had to come clean and get it all out on the table. I have to be honest with Walt even at the risk of him losing faith in me because for the first time in my life I don't want to play games. I want this to be the real deal Holyfield. I told Walt before that he was a real man and I meant it. They are rare and I don't want to lose his opinion of me but I have to take the risk. I need him to know that I only show him the weak, stupid, selfish part of me. He is the only man I have ever revealed myself too. It is something that I cherish more than my body. Walt is not an afternoon fuck in an Arizona hotel. He is a lifetime. He scares the shit of me because I know he plays for keeps.

I was prepared to defend myself with Sean. Fully prepared but he believed me which is good except he can see through my bullshit. I don't want to hurt my husband but I want to be happy even if that happiness means being alone. In the back of my mind, I think that Gorski would be dead if I truly belonged to Walt. His quiet steely strength is like an aphrodisiac and I become intoxicated under his spell. What do I do from here and not lose my husband and my best friend in the process? Ed Gorski is the least of my concerns. If I don't figure my shit out quick I will lose everything. Deep in the dark recesses of my heart, in the tiny vault I never open, tucked away and locked inside are Lizzie's words, _you're saving it for her, _I hang onto to those words for my dear life because I know they are my life.


	3. Vic - Wanted Man

Here we go again. This shit with a cop and his secrets. I don't not want to go down this road again. All day long, I think about telling Walt but I am actually afraid to tell him because I know he is disappointed in me. I don't blame him. I'm disappointed in myself. I understand having to pay the price for my choices but you know I really tried to do the right thing especially once I came to my senses about having an affair with Ed. To say I was young and stupid is true but I have been paying for the mistake far too long and now I am losing perhaps the best friend I have ever had.

I think there is some truth in what Sean says about me not wanting to go to Australia but the way Walt has distanced himself from me it doesn't sound like such a bad idea right about now.

The saddest part of me wants to help Walt find who is responsible for Martha's murder. I know he would stand by me if something happened to Sean. The fact that I can't be his friend right now and help him through this is very hurtful and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm sorry for bringing this shit with me and as much as I hate it, I am sorry for telling Walt the truth. I needed to tell him but I didn't expect the repercussions to be so painful. I miss the Walt I fell for. The renaissance cowboy who would flash his quick smile and his laughing eyes. I can't remember the last time Walt actually laughed. Laughed out loud.

I rake up enough courage to talk to him about Branch and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he is uncomfortable with me in the room, so much so, he doesn't look at me. The one thing I could always count on is Walt holding my gaze and speaking with me, not at me, but that's no longer true. He is clearly preoccupied and not too comfortable with the door closed. What have you done, Victoria? What have you done to ruin this bond? I hate myself at this moment and regret every decision I have made.

As Walt puts the pieces together, we head out to the hidden trail expecting to find the ghost of David Ridges, and stumble upon Hector. My heart grows weary. I have seen my fair share of last breaths coming from Philly but I have never witnessed such gallantry in death. I wanted to reach out to Walt but didn't dare. His pain only intensifying by every decision outside of his control and I hate myself for putting any pain in his heart, any doubt in his heart.

I wish I was anywhere but here.


	4. Population 25 - Episode

_**Vic's perspective from Population 25**_

This motherfucker is crazy. What kind of psycho hillbilly bullshit is this? I can't believe I walked into this hornet's nest and didn't see the signs of sovereignty. I know I have to think for the both of us and we just have to hold out until Walt figures a way to get us out of this shit. I was so scared for Sean when they started in with the baseball bat. I love my husband but when they dropped the body bag and I thought Walt was inside, for the first time, I admitted to myself I was in love with Walt. Never has the difference between the two emotions ever been so evident. I have betrayed Sean by giving my heart to Walt despite my best efforts to resist and I know with all certainty he will come for us.

How can I explain this to Sean? I can't explain, anything because I don't understand any of it myself. Walt is everything I need wrapped in a package I never expected. He accepts me without judgment and it is a powerful aphrodisiac. His sensibility and sensuality are rare and compel me to him like a moth to a flame. I know he will come to get us. That certainty of character has become the foundation for my stability.

I want to tell Sean that I never cheated. I never did. I never suspected this, I never wanted this, I never lied to you, Sean. Please, don't hate me. I'm so sorry we are in this situation. I'm sorry my job put us here. I'm sorry knowing Walt put us here. Put our marriage here. Sean, I'm so very sorry. I want to scream all of these things as they pull Sean away from me as Chance pardons him. After I come to from the choke hold, I want to rumble with this undomesticated foreign motherfucker. Right here and right now. I got your pious bitch right here bitch.

Settle out of court is all I hear. I know Walt is coming to save us. Keep cool Vic. Think like Walt, play his lead, remember girl, independent action gets you killed. I focus on Walt's voice. I listen to the timbre of his words. I listen for clues but when I see Ed, I know this can't be right. I want to fight. I want to run. I listen to Walt. I trust him. I trust him with our lives. I go with Ed and Sean is safe. I want to break out of the car and run to Walt. I want to get a gun and kill this insane piece of shit. Instead, I listen and do what Walt says because I know he will always do the right thing. He will always protect me no matter the cost. As the Granada pulls forward, I turn back to look at Walt and for a moment I think this may be the last time so I burn his image into my brain. Standing tall, looking back at me, I know that I belong to him. I know he is the man I want. The man I need. He would stand like that for anyone. That is his sense of duty, his obligation to the oath he swore, and he is all of the good in Sean and all of the danger in Ed. The choice is made.

The car is silent as we follow the other psychotics down the back mountain road. I hear myself say, "Stop here." There's no doubt I'm going back to Walt. I'm going back to help, to pick up the pieces, to confront Chance if needed. There's no doubt where I belong. I took the same oath as Walt and I am just as loyal to it as I am to him.


	5. Harvest -- 120 Seconds

The 120 seconds of not knowing changed my existence. It changed who I am as a woman, a wife, and a deputy. The two minutes from gunshots to my sliding stop at Chance's house of horrors is the eclipse of time that transformed everything. I've sat with partners who were banged up before. Hell in Philly you can't be a cop and not get hurt but I never felt as if the marrow was being sucked out of my bones as I sit and try not to watch him get yet another set of stitches. As his partner, his deputy, we place our lives in each others hands. We both signed the same social contract and we have both come to terms with its implications but I never signed up for this unexpected and unimaginable pain.

My eyes divert to the floor and I try to slow down my thoughts and put my physical pain aside to stave off the swelling of emotion. This is not who I let people see. I am strong. I can handle this. I repeat the refrain as the Doc mumbles something about a headache. Ok, girl, you got this. Just put one foot in front of the other. I'm fine until my finger finds the ripped leather from the 9mm that missed Walt's heart by inches and an insubordinate tear trails down my cheek. I try to catch it before his eyes find it but it is to late.

"It will be back to normal"

"Yeah"

I know it won't be back to normal not after this, not ever, it can't be our normal not anymore. As I hand Walt his jacket my face betrays me just as my tears. The feel of his hand on mine, the power of his touch, they comfort me as he takes me in his arms giving me permission to be a woman in love. The tears are unstoppable because I am safe in his arms. Safe from judgment, safe from harm, and safe in his love. At this moment, I know this is where I belong, because it is the only time I have ever felt free to surrender. Surrender completely.

At home, I worry about Sean and I worry about his need to talk about what happened. How can I explain my actions to Sean? How can I explain my reactions to Sean? I can't and I know I can't but it's not because I don't want too it's because I don't really understand all of it myself. I do realize at that moment, for the first time, that Sean will never let me just be. Maybe it's because of my job and Sean is right. Maybe it's the uniqueness of what we do which is why Walt understands intuitively what I need? All this makes my head hurt worse and while I know I should not be at work it is a very attractive alternative to fighting with my husband.

While at work, I know I have to have my game face on and don my emotional suit of armor which comes in particularly handy when dealing with an off the rails Branch. I don't want to deal with his dead man walking bullshit right now. It's easier to pick up the slack and head out to the crime scene. As soon as I step out of my truck, I know that shit is weird, just as I dreaded. The displeased look on Walt's face and the overprotectiveness that wasn't evident before makes me snap at him because it is what I do to protect myself from him and everybody else. I just need my head to stop hurting so I can fix all the shit I fucked up in the last 48 hours.

It's nice to have a piece of normalcy as Walt and I go over the case with take-out dinner. I didn't plan on telling Walt about Sean's demands that I quit and as soon as it comes out I instantly regret feeling safe with him because he is just like me and will retreat behind the safety of his steel walls. They come down crashing and I am left standing outside the moat like an idiot. This is why I don't do the vulnerability thing with anyone. This is why I hate myself for allowing myself to be exposed to him. I do hate myself for it and it just reaffirms why I should never ever allow it to happen. In the end, I am the one that hurts, and suffers for allowing myself to be soft. Nope, you had your chance Walt, and you blew it.

Waking up with Sean is nice and I want to love my husband. I want my marriage to work and Walt is right about one thing. Sean and I have been through a lot and the one thing that always works with us is sex. No matter how much we fight or argue making up is always nice. The words that have been hovering on the edge of my subconscious slip out and effectively end what marriage I have left. It's no one's fault. We just don't work anymore. Although, there's nothing promised on the other end, I can't be the fake woman any more having tasted the sweet freedom of what it feels like not to be her. I can't go back. I won't go back.

I sit and wait in the dark and still quietness of his office. I wait because I know he will be back. Like me, he has nothing to go home to, and work is solace. I need to see him. I need to see him with his defenses down and confirm that he played defense earlier and punted. My statue of liberty play works and Walt cannot keep up with my offensive maneuver. For just a moment, I capture his truth, a glimpse of susceptibility, and with it the full confidence that I am making the right decision for once in my life. I am solidly sure of who I am and finally not afraid to be her.


	6. Counting Coup - Vic

Back to business. That has been my motto since coming back to work. Things have decidedly fallen apart at home and Sean is pretty much out of the door. I don't blame him, really. Our marriage has been slowly disintegrating for years and has only lasted this long because he is away so long on business. If we had an ordinary marriage it would have ended long ago.

I give Walt his space and concentrate only on business. No small talk. No one side chit or chat since I'm the one that chits or chats while he stoically listens. I know that what I felt when he comforted me in the hospital was real and I know he has feelings for me but I am sure he is just as confused about them as I am. I shouldn't think about him, after all, he is my boss and it's not like I don't have a host of problems without him. I find myself looking at him when there's no reason to and despite how much I try he creeps into my thoughts.

I thrive on our work together and how we are able to play off of each other. His respect for my abilities counts. It counts a lot. I don't have to feel as if I have to prove myself over and over again. I suppose that is why I empathize with the Ferg. I get it. I know what he feels like. As a woman, in this macho profession, I have been relegated to the back burner. It sucks. It isn't fair and while there is a bit of, rites of passage, it also hurts. I hold my head down because I am embarrassed for Ferg. I know what's coming. An explosion of the ultimate proportion. Walt is not emotive. Walt is not going to empathize over seemingly hurt feelings. Walt is a man of action. A throwback. Keep calm and carry on, sort. Ferg feels the brunt of Walt's frustration as Ruby and I exchange helpless glances. I double check my reaction because it turned me on a bit to see his rage. To know that it's there.

Branch's instability doesn't frighten me. I've dealt with crazier fucks than him on the streets of Philadelphia. As Branch lunges at my throat I am startled but not scared. Maybe it is false confidence because I know that Walt is there. I know that he will protect me no matter the circumstance. He has already proven that to be true.

When Walt stops tripping over himself and hands me Sean's divorce papers I am ashamed because I am reading them in front of Walt and because Sean was chicken shit enough to make Walt do it because he is legally obligated to do so. As I look down at the papers I think about Walt's subtle overprotection during the day; fighting with Branch, his promises on the bridge knowing Sean wants to divorce me and I key in on his words, "I want you to stay." I want to stay too Walt and for the life of me I don't know why but I know I don't want to leave here. I don't want to leave you. My brain kicks into overdrive and all I can muster is, "Do you have a pen." I don't need to say more than that. He knows.

I wait at the station, in Walt's office, for him to come back to me. The Ferg promised to keep me updated. I lay on his office couch and as I drift to sleep I feel him in the room; his smell, his touch, his look. I know this is where I belong although I don't understand it. I have never truly followed my heart in all of my life but it's time that I start and I want to start with him.


	7. Ashes to Ashes (Finale)

**_Ashes to Ashes –we didn't see a lot of Vic in the episode but what we did spoke volumes. I hope you enjoy this last installment for season 3. See you for season 4 when we continue Vic's and Walt's emotional journey. Thank you for sticking with these fics over the weeks. You are all awesome. _**

To say I slept well would be a lie. I tossed and turned on Walt's office couch as I waited, locked inside, for him to return to me. At times, I would close my eyes and will him back, praying for his safety. Of course, I couldn't know what was happening but I knew he was on a rendezvous with a proven killer and as much as I wanted to help I also knew I would be a distraction. Walt, would be so worried about me, he wouldn't focus on what he needed to do. To survive.

We stand at the window like three little kids waiting for Dad to come home from the war and in a way that is what he did, he survived the war, with David Ridges. The prodigal son was left in the cold, in the middle of the street, and the wounded warrior breaches the doorway. Counting coup. Yes, he did. I'm stunned by the sight of him, partly relieved, partly angry, mainly concerned. It doesn't escape me, that Walt plays down his pain, another injury, more bleeding and sacrifice to protect us. He is so strong and resilient. His overprotection is something new and slightly embarrassing but it is also warm and inviting.

All I could think is Walt is going to fucking lose it, man! Smack, the roundhouse nearly breaks my nose, but it was worth Walt not going to jail himself for assault under the color of authority. It's a shot I will take every time. I know the battle with Bridges had to be bad, not just from the blood and the ripped jacket, but because Walt wants a drink. Walt, never wants a drink, ever. He doesn't talk about it, doesn't give me the details as we head to the Red Pony, and I don't ask. I don't need to. I can imagine what he has done. I can imagine how strong he is, how smart he is, and that he can handle anything. He doesn't need to tell me. The real one's never have to because they don't tell they just do.

Standing at the bar I forget that I am Deputy Moretti and I do what comes naturally as a woman. I take care of my man. Cleaning the blood and tending to the cut near his ear was my main concern. Yet, another wound to heal, more pain to endure. My desire is to comfort him and the surroundings don't matter because he isn't Sheriff Longmire he is Walt and Walt is someone I love and cherish. He doesn't resist and he doesn't acknowledge my presence, my closeness or my touch. He doesn't have too because it feels natural this closeness we have. It's us like it's been us from the beginning. The moment of realization clicks as our eyes meet but he makes no attempt to dissuade me. Our subconscious and conscious minds collide recognizing the bond that cannot be broken by time or circumstance.

My prayer can only be that our destiny is fulfilled in it's own time at it's own pace taking comfort in knowing that what I feel is unadulterated love. To be close with this man is joy unimaginable. Who would have thought I would find it in Durant, Wyoming in the middle of bum fuck nowhere and with a renaissance cowboy? Certainly, not I, but I am glad I did.


End file.
